expectations...

So...
It's been awhile since I last posted.
There are many reasons for it. Sure I've been busy, so busy that I've not had time to think. Which is the largest problem. I've not been able to think and it's been hard to write and it keeps getting harder.
But now I think I know the reason that I keep running from everything I start. See I keep going until I reach my limit and I keep pushing for more. I keep trying to get better, which is a good thing right? Well when I do it... I raise peoples expectations of me. I keep pushing and keep getting praised for it. Even when i feel I failed at something and still get praised for it it hurts.
The reason for it is they still enjoy what I do, but I don't. It's at that point that I know people expect for me to keep going and I don't know where to go, or what to do.
And it's here, on this anymous forum that I post my thoughts. It's here for you people that I tell you this.
I've recently worked on a play, been doing several projects for school, built two computers from the ground up, and tried to keep my life in order these last couple months. but I'm tired. I want to run away, let expectations fall back to nothing so I don't dissapoint anyone. So that I can start fresh and surprise people again.
But I can't do that. I have to keep going, because this time if I don't keep it up... I don't think I can start over anymore.
If I fail out of school i'm afraid that I won't be able to push myself to go back. And i'm getting to old to try again. So here I am.
This is my life, it's the only one I have and I'm going to make the most of it. Peoples expectations be damned. The only one that I should have to impress is myself. Not the people I love, not my classmates, not anyone. Just me. And I'm hoping that I can do that.
So now I'm starting on my next project even when I just want to run and keep running until I'm someplace new.
This time I'm going to make it work. I just wish I had someone to share this with. but that'll come in time, when I can find myself...
Anyway, that's what's going through my head.
Hope I didn't bum you out too much.

-Let there be gray in the world.
-The Pondering Dragon-